Sophia

I'm a mess.

2006-05-11T02:17:21Z

It's constantly one step forward, two steps back, with everything.

I had my last ciggarette Sunday night. I'm going absolutely fucking mental without one. I'm ready to just go ahead and claw my lungs out and be done with it.

I know I've gained some weight back, once again. I'm a pig. That's all there is too it. I'm snacking now in place of my smoking, exactly what I shouldn't be doing. I don't know where my self control has gone.

I'm going to pull through this, somehow. Someday I will look in the mirror and be skinny again. I found some old prom pictures. I could cry. I was so thin.

I am glad though that I've stopped smoking, at least for now. (We'll see if it lasts.) I had such a hard time excersising. I guess I just have weaker lungs to begin with.

This monday I'm going to start excersising every weekday morning, monday through friday, no ifs ands or buts. No matter the weather, or how sore or tired I may be, I'm going to start excersising regularly. I will always do something, even if it's just desperate tired walking. It's what I need to save myself before I fall into this pit of self loathing. I won't always be able to dig myself back out.

There's this girl...

2006-05-07T12:27:31Z

I am going crazy for a ciggarette right now. I threw out my pack last night, all because of a silly hope that maybe, if I play my cards right, I could get this girl I've fallen for to fall for me too. I've been needing to quite smoking anyway. I know it'll help me because it'll make it easier to excersise longer and burn more calories.

I have been successfully losing weight by at least limiting my calories to 500-800 a day. I'm exhausted, dissapointed that I am not farther, and my legs are constantly aching, but at least the numbers on my scale are slowly going down.

When I'm halfway to my goal weight, about 155 pounds, I'm going to have a huge badass fucking party and not tell any of my friends why.

On another topic.

I have this constant nagging feeling that if I were to completely cut off contact with all of my friends, none of them would miss me. I notice more and more that when I hang out with people, everything I try to say is talked over or ignored. I'm not very funny. When I'm not being quiet and staying out of the conversation, I mostly seem to just be annoying.

I know how little I'm needed. I mean, I'm great because I'm easy access to weed and booze, but that's about it. I know I'm being used, I know I'm boring and always tired and not much fun. So when I say this to who I think are my better friends and would try to understand where I'm coming from, I just get puzzled looks or cries of "that's not true! i love you etc etc blah blah."

But it's not true. And I know it.

I'm not going to make any effort to call anyone or send emails or anything. And watch how many people try to get in touch with me. You'll see. I'm right. They're wrong.

I wish I mattered. I wish I was thin and wonderful and could have any girl/boy I wanted and could make my friends laugh and feel better about themselves and just be a better, more intelligent person.

But I'm not any of those things. But I can at least be thin.

I'm just one big mess.

2006-04-25T16:42:09Z

I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I was doing so well but I've hit this point where I feel like I'm doing nothing and I'm not going to get anywhere.

I've started binging again, and usually I've been purging but we went to Florida for two weeks and I had rare oppurtunities to binge there without being suspicious, so in that little time I've managed to gain back most of the weight that I've lost.

I got in a huge fight with MJ. It's all my fault. He wanted me to go to the beach with him this weekend and I said no, made a joke about how big I'd look in a swimsuit, and it blew up from there. He's freaking out about me returning to my old habits and I got so mad at him and myself over what should have been nothing.

I've been fighting with mum a lot and I feel like such a huge dissapointment. She, along with the rest of my family, believe that I'm not actually going to go back to school and I'm just going to continue being such a huge fuck up. But I can't. I can't live this life the way I am. I can't stay here, I can't not go to school. I'm going crazy. I can't slice people's sandwich meat and scan groceries for the rest of my life. I think I'm going to kill myself if I do. I'm already going crazy.

I almost sat down and cut myself last night after I talked to MJ again (and of course nothing was solved) and that I managed not to do, but I wish it was the eating that I was not doing. Yesterday I had a banana, a cup of cottage cheese and a sandwich and that was it. Today I've had a few pita chips with hummus and tea. That's it.

I'm going to get back into my old habits, wether MJ likes it or not. Fuck him, he doesn't understand how disgusting I feel. He doesn't see how I can't keep from crying every time I look in the mirror or step on the scale.

I haven't cried this much in a long time.

I can't keep doing this. I have to change. I have to stop digging this hole before it's too deep to climb out of.

beautyofthis @ 2006-04-04T22:14:00

2006-04-05T02:11:47Z

thank you for the clover, whoever you are...

Sorry...

2006-04-05T00:11:39Z

I haven't updated in a while, sorry. :-(

I didn't make my goal at all the week before. I'm so frustrated with myself because I could have done it, no problem, but no, I'm a complete pig. I weighed in at 188 and almost died. But since my tooth has been bothering me I've eaten barely anything, just moving my mouth makes me cringe. Last I checked I was 183 but that was late last week. I'm going to restrict and excersise the rest of the week, and hopefully, have a pleasant surprise this Saturday.

I'm so scared though, I have to go in for a root canal next week. I'm trying to not let myself freak out too much but I guess I already have. I know it's silly, they're going to help me by fixing my tooth but still I'm really frightened. ;_;

Hope everyone is well.

xoxo

I'm so nervous :-(

2006-03-18T01:16:14Z

I'm worrying myself way too much over weighing in tomorrow. I honestly am so scared that I'm not going to be in the 180's. I'm just praying that I'm at least 189.9! For months my scale has been telling me I'm anywhere from 192 to 199 because of my inability to get my act together and just diet. To finally be out of the 190's will be so exciting when it finally happens, and I'm praying that it's tomorrow.

Today I didn't eat anything all through work and I was fine. All I had was about 3/4ths of a container of gatorade, about 150ish cals. Of couse when I got home after grocery shopping with mom I gave in and had a slice of this sinfully delectable bread she bought. I only had the one slice, I should still be somewhere under 400 cals, I hope. I think as long as I've kept myself under 1,200, I should be 189 tomorrow. I just weighed myself now and I'm 190.5. I'm praying and praying and weighing and weighing myself like it's going to make all the difference in the world.

iwillbethiniwillbethin&beautiful

or I think I'll die.

(If starving doesn't kill me first.)

Weigh in

2006-03-15T14:15:22Z

191.5! Two pounds lost. I can mos def make my be-in-the 180's goal by Sat!

And maybe actually make my goal of 175 by the end of the month.

I'm just trying to not be too dissapointed that I haven't gotten farther sooner like I could have and should have.

UUUGGGH.

so far...

2006-03-14T05:36:11Z

I went all day without eating until my mom got home.

I played Resident Evil and drank Crystal Light flavored waters.

Gah, Resident Evil is kicking my ass and it's pissing me off. I am video game inept, and at the same time I'm the kidn of person that if I can't do something right, I have to do it over and over til I get it right, so I spent houuuurs on this game. And I sucko mucho.

I didn't even excersise today like I planned too. I am ashamed, because I should have. Now it's midnight and it would be a little weird to be out jogging. Aaargh...I need to do something before I go crazy.

I was on the phone with Sam all afternoon. Yay, Sam, I've missed him. He dropped out of college and came back home and his mom is pissed but we were all so happy to see him. (MJ most of all, he was sad without his little mancrush, lol!)

Mom came home with cold cuts. I gave in and had a sandwich, one slice of turkey and one slice of provolone cheese. I piled on tons of tomatoe, lettuce, cucumbers, and onions to make it look like a huge sandwich. I was just going to throw it out once I got upstairs but I gave in and ate it.

Too bad we're not all perfect. It would help out a lot.

back on track. (damnit.)

2006-03-12T01:41:31Z

Here's today broken down:

Bag of snapea crisps - 500 cals
Vegetable sushi - 300 cals
Total - 800 ish
20 mins elliptical - 260 negative
Total official: - 540!

On the elliptical it'll show you how much you're burning an hour, so if I'd gone for a whole hour, I would have burned about 760 cals. So I could theoretically restrict to an almost healthy number and still burn off enough to land under 1,000!

But I think I'll just keep restricting obscenely and excersising in copius amounts.

Heck yeah.

193.5

2006-03-11T14:05:18Z

If I'm still in the 190's by the end of next week, somebody please feel free to shoot me.

Garnier Fruictis volumizing shampoo smells like ass and apples...why do people buy the stuff?

beautyofthis @ 2006-03-10T21:58:00

2006-03-11T02:56:06Z

everyone else starves themselves to be thin, to be in control.

for me, it's like i'm punishing myself for my infinite number of fuck ups.

why is everyone so surprised i smoke?

i hate myself, and i hate being so fat.

goddamnit.

2006-03-11T02:32:31Z

I was going to weigh in tomorrow.

But I don't think I should even bother.

I got high thursday night and had taco bell. Tonight mom took me with her to subway and I had a tuna sub full of fucking mayo and I feel like my stomach is about to explode. I could kill myself.

I'm going to fucking kick my own ass at the gym tomorrow. I have to. How else am I going to fix all these screw ups?

doing well for a change!

2006-03-09T00:12:23Z

I'm doing pretty well now, I'm just praying and praying that I don't fuck up.

I had a salad with a wee bit of chicken, parmesan, and light vinagrette dressing. I had veggie sushi. I went to the gym with Tara and opened up a membership so we'll both be going together regularly. We did the elliptical (I have no idea what the name of anything is) for 20 minutes and did 20 reps of arm workouts. I burned 275 cals on the elliptical, that's the sushi right there and that salad barely counts for anything since it was mostly lettuce.

I am so excited, because even though I didn't get to fast like I wanted, I'm still doing well! Tomorrow I'm going to try to fast again. Right now all I've got is a bottle of water with that crystal light powder stuff mixed in, 5 cals! This is so exciting, to actually be getting somewhere!

I'm supposed to be going out tonight, but I'm going to try to be good and not drink too much (if at all, i might just fake it) so I don't add too many cals to today. I like to drink, but it's not necessary to have fun, right?

XOXO!

heeeells yes nigga!

2006-03-08T02:57:26Z

Today~! I jogged 30 minutes. I ate...

fruit cup: 90 cals
soup: 100 cals
bagel: 180 cals
Orange: 60 cals
vitamin water: 150 cals

total: 580! Well below my limit of 800!

Still don't know if I'm going to the beach or not.

Tara invited me to go to the gym with her, since her mom has a membership and can bring me in as a guest. I said hell yes, so whatever happens tomorrow, I'm going with her to the gym, bringing my trusty vitamin water with me. (i'm sooooo addicted)

emily sent me some texts during work on my phone, telling me she's getting x tomorrow. I really want to try it, but I've never done it before and I'm nervous about what will happen, but still, Emily and I have so much fun together fucked up! So on the other hand I can't wait!

I've got a lot of chores and stuff planned to keep me busy tomorrow and keep fasting! EEEEK. I'm so excited! I'm going to bust my fat ass at the gym like a madwoman!

Yaaaaay~!

2006-03-07T14:15:54Z

Scale says I'm 193. HELL YES. I'm going to try my hardest to break into the 180's by Saturday. Omfg. This is so exciting!

This is my plan for the rest of the week:
Today: Restrict to <800 (already jogged thirty minutes)
Wednesday: Jog thirty minutes, fast as long as possible. Break with salad or soup if needed, maybe drink dieting tea
Thursday: Continue fast or restrict <400
Friday: Break fast or continue restricting at <400
Saturday: Jog 20 minutes and restrict at <600

I have to work Saturday so hopefully I'll be able to stick to that lower number. I have yet to find out my schedule next week so we'll see what Sunday will bring. Wednesday and Thursday are kind of iffy because they're my days off, and I'm supposed to be going with Kris and some other people to the beach. We're not sure yet what's happening so as long as we don't go I'm going to fast until I have to break it to keep from being suspicious. It shouldn't be, really, since MJ's not going and Kris and I are both trying to lose weight.

Wow, here I go! I can't wait to be skinny!!

I'm a slutty drunk.

2006-03-06T18:51:21Z

I went to a party with Kris and Laura. Got shit-faced drunk, smoked weed, and made out with a girl I'd never met before, but is apparently homophobic.

Ah, the life of a suburban youth.

I am so fucking fat.

Weekends suck

2006-03-04T15:47:31Z

I did well all week with eating until Friday night.

I got together with a couple of friends and normally I would have been fine just eating a salad with them at dinner, but MJ was there and even though I've never told him specifically that my eating habits are fucked, he basically knows, so when everyone else was ordering sandwiches and fries I ended up ordering one too just to keep him off my back and so he wouldn't say anything to me. I've just started dieting again, I can't believe I've fucked up this early in the game. On top of a fucking chick fil a sandwich and fries and a huge glass of diet coke (i can just feel the water weight sticking to me and making this harder!) I ended up having a donut. Just fucking great. I was going to try to purge without being suspicious but then we ended up leaving right away for Kate's house and and if I can help it, there's no way I'm throwing up at somebody's house and risking them finding out or clogging up their toilet.

I could have had a fun night out but all I could think about was the calories I was shoving into my already fat body. I've lost all of one measly pound. And that's all I could think of last night, was how much will I have lost by the time I weight in tomorrow? Will I lose anything at all? When can I throw this up?

Next time I'm just going to have a salad. Fuck MJ, I'll give him the bullshit that I'm trying to be healthier and he can get the fuck over it. God, I can't believe I've fucked up in the first fucking week of trying to get myself together and lose the damn weight!

not too bad!

2006-03-03T03:01:38Z

I didn't jog this morning (So bad!) but I did a few lunges, squats, plies and crunches. Tomorrow I'm going to do crunches and some upper body excersises.
To eat today I've had:
one banana
four rice cakes
sushi
apple
sugar free jello cup
tea with splenda

I'm going to start restricting myself to specific calorie amounts. That should help keep me from being tempted to eat little bits of bad foods (I almost had fudge, so glad I found an excuse!).

intaaaake

2006-03-02T03:46:41Z

Today I have had:

2 rice cakes
2 apples
vegetable sushi box
four bites of chicken
tea with splenda

reading this makes me feel so good. I can do this! I can restrict, I can control myself.

I can lose this weight.

good day/bad day

2006-03-01T06:37:09Z

Jake came over today.

I saw him for the first time in years. He was so nice to me in middle school, when I was so sad all the time because of my parent's divorce and I think i'm just generally messed up.

At MJ's party, he was there. I didn't realize they had kept touch. He was gorgeous as ever. I was pissed at myself because I was right back up to the weight in middle school, wishing I was still my high school weight. But he didn't seem to care. I had so much fun talking to him about our different schools and what we had been doing. He called me last night and I told him I wouldn't be working til late this afternoon so he said he wanted to hang out.

He came over and smoked the last of my pot and kissed and kissed and I haven't been this happy in a long time. His curly hair and big brown eyes and goofy laugh cheered me up so much today. He left for work and I napped until I had to leave. I've only had rice cakes and an apple to eat.

Things are going well.

cooking

2006-02-28T03:44:38Z

for breakfast today I had one small packet of oatmeal and tea with splenda.

At lunch I had a salad that I didn't finish.

My biggest meal was dinner. I had two tacos. I made vegetarian tacos for dinner, one of my moves to keep my mother from becoming too suspicious. I didn't eat very many, since earlier I had told her about all the wonderful samples at the my store that I had been snacking on all day (which I of course had really not.) and so was saved from having to eat more than I wanted.

I didn't excersise this morning though. I'll have to make up for that tomorrow and excersise twice as long.

Whatever it takes, I'll do.

On a note outside food, I had a wonderful dream the other night. Usually my dreams are creepy, if not entirely strange. To have such a comforting dream when I have myself most stressed out (I've even started smoking again, which i haven't done in months)

videogames

2006-02-26T04:18:10Z

I bought three videogames. That's crazy for me, I'm not big on video games. These ones I got though, I know I'll like. I figured it was a good idea because even though I'll be sitting down while playing these games, I don't eat or snack while I play games so maybe it'll help me. Besides, it's good that I'm not spending the money on food, right?

Sasha Cohen won silver in the olympics! I'm so proud. And Poland (I'm Polish, so this is important to me!) didn't have any medals and I was afraid they wouldn't ever have any, but now they have two! I guess it was the now or never situation! :-) I'm so proud!

(don't) lose control

2006-02-24T13:01:34Z

My big problem with losing weight has always been my bad habit of gorging myself.

I used to be a healthy normal weight. I was in school and involved in sports and clubs and studying so I didn't exactly think about food too often. Now I'm taking time off before I go to college and I work in a grocery store. I knew I was fucked the moment I got that job, but it was the only job available at the time. Now it's so easy for me to walk right past the salad bar and to the bakery where they have huge cookies and muffins and copius amounts of cake samples almost every day.

I have gained so much weight since I've started my job. I have eaten so much junk that I didn't eat before, or at least ate in moderation. I have been buying chips and cookies and candy bars and sodas and sucked them down like a vacuum. All my horrible old habits have been revived and are worse than ever. I have no self control. And throwing up does not always work, because I'm surrounded by coworkers, not strangers. Throwing up in public toilets used to be my safety because I could sneak away, do my thing, and sneak back and tell everyone that I had been distracted by something while chewing gum to cover up my breath.

So you can imagine my surprise and excitement with myself when I was able to say "NO" and not binge my brains out this morning. I had gotten up to look for something light to have for breakfast and instead found one of my (many) weaknesses, the mint chocolate girl scout cookies. I was already pouring myself a huge glass of milk with one cookie shoved in my mouth, preparing to binge and purge (ah, the memories...) when something in me finally said no. (I actually shouted "Goddamnit, no!", lol. Good thing the family wasn't home.) I had just gotten back from jogging, I really didn't want to ruin that. Instead I poured the milk back into the jug, put the cookies away, finished the one cookie I had in my mouth, and made a cup of tea.

Here I am now, admiring pictures of skinny gorgeous models, reminding myself of my goals and that I can achieve them!! Wish me luck, I've got a ways to go!

xoxoxox

it's funny how we think these journals are private.

2006-02-24T00:11:39Z

I need somewhere to vent about how much I hate myself and how fat I am and cry and whine etc etc.

And maybe talk about a few good things.

I made pasta for dinner. My bowl is still sitting beside me. I'm not planning on eating it. I just threw up, so I don't have much of an appetite.

I've got eighty pounds to lose. Wish me luck.